All I Want
by maurgasm
Summary: Maura leaves. Jane can't take it. Both sides are to blame. Chapters will unravel what caused it all. This is meant to be read with the knowledge of the song "All I Want" by Kodaline. (youtube(dot)com/watch?v mtf7hC17IBM) Multi-chapter fic. I'm not too sure how many yet. Angst. Don't say I didn't warn you.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This is meant to be read with the knowledge of the song "All I Want" by Kodaline. Listen to the song a couple of times, read the lyrics. It goes with the story. ( watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM) This will be a multi-chapter fic. I'm not too sure how many yet. Angst. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and italicized parts are flashbacks with the exception of the italicized words in [brackets]. Those are song lyrics to "All I Want."

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Rizzoli and Isles. This makes me terribly sad.

All I Want: Chapter One

_"I can't do this anymore!"_

_"Goddamnit, Maura, you can't just—"_

_Exasperated, the medical examiner slammed her fists into the granite countertops. "Don't you dare goddamnit me, Jane!" Jane shot the other woman a look; it was a mix of trepidation and fury. Maura blinked back angry tears and released her fists, arms shaking._

_"What are you trying to say?" Jane growled trying to comprehend all of this._

_"I cannot keep pretending like this is okay," the blonde uttered, barely above a whisper. "Pretending like this is okay isn't fair. It's not honest. This is better for us. Trust me."_

_"I thought I did," remarked the detective, losing the edge in her voice and looking down to avoid Maura's stare._

_"Jane…" The taller woman glanced up at the blonde's pleading voice. "I'm sorry."_

_Maura then picked up the bags that were settled by the door and took one glance back. "I'm sorry, Jane." With that, the door clicked shut behind her and all Jane could do is stare, hoping she'd return._

_[When you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side.]_

Weeks later and Jane still couldn't break the sadness; Maura had left home, had left work, hell, she may even had left Boston for all she knew. Her family took notice and occasionally Angela would send Frankie over to Jane's apartment to make sure she was still breathing. Most of the time, he'd find her in her bedroom, with the lights off, just sitting on the floor staring at nothing.

"Janie, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Frankie."

Not believing it a lick, he pressed harder, "Please talk to me, Janie. Ma and Pop are really worried and—"

"I'm fine, Frankie" she reiterated. This being the third night this week he attempted to get Jane to move, he silently gave up and left her to brood in her own destruction. Hours later, she resorted to getting up and drinking yet another beer. After about the fifth one that evening, Jane wasn't the most coherent so she decided to sit back down in her dark bedroom and consider all the things that went wrong.

_"I'm sorry, Maura." Jane sighed, "Pop won't understand. I can't just throw this on him."_

_Dejected, the medical examiner fiddled with her fingers, scraping an imaginary speck off one of her nails. "Okay."_

_"You know I'd take you if I could."_

_"I live with you, Jane. Your family knows that. I can't spend Christmas with you, why?"_

_Jane searched for the right way to phrase this. "It's always… the Rizzoli's at Christmas. It's important to Pop, y'know? To be a family and you're—"_

_Before Jane could finish, Maura said, "not part of the family. I get it." Maura looked up and Jane could feel her heartbreaking as she saw the hurt flooding from her girlfriend's eyes. The taller woman took the blonde in her arms and kissed the top of her head._

_"I love you, Maura. You know that."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_[But if you loved me, why did you leave me? Take my body; take my body. All I want is, all I need is to find somebody.]_

"Fuck," Jane mumbled the next morning as she woke up in a pool of spilled beer. She made a mental note to not sleep on the floor tonight. She said that every morning though; since Maura had left, Jane avoided actually laying in their bed. Well, her bed now. She hadn't touched it since the night before Maura chose to leave.

Jane had evaded the bed and Maura's spot on the couch; she hadn't even checked to closet to see if the blonde had left anything to return for. After weeks of not hearing from her, the detective gave up seeing her face again. Jane stripped off her soiled clothing and threw them in the corner; as she turned on the water for the shower, she glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Hair mussed, eyes dark and tired, and sadness pervaded her face. She stepped under the warm spray of water and sank to the tile floor. Head to her knees, the thin woman's body wracked with sobs.

"Please," she cried. "Maura, please."

That was the first time in weeks Jane had articulated the medical examiner's name. It stung her lips and caught in her throat, like a nasty medication she didn't want to take. For awhile, Jane just sat there, letting the water beat her back until the water grew cold and her body couldn't handle it. Retreating from the bathroom in clean clothes, she grabbed her gun off the dresser and slid down to the floor.

"Maura, please. I can't—"she choked out. "I can't do this without you." The gun clicked as she took the safety off and rested it in her hands, weighing the item—weighing the possibilities, the consequences.

_[Take my body. Take my body.]_

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** This is meant to be read with the knowledge of the song "All I Want" by Kodaline. Listen to the song a couple of times, read the lyrics. It goes with the story. ( watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM) This will be a multi-chapter fic. I'm not too sure how many yet. Angst. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and italicized parts are flashbacks with the exception of the italicized words in [brackets]. Those are song lyrics to "All I Want."

**More notes**: This chapter is sort of filler. It'll shed light on why Maura left; the next chapter will be a bit more Maura-centric and you'll find out why the last sentence of this chapter is significant.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Rizzoli and Isles. This makes me terribly sad.

* * *

All I Want: Chapter 1

_"You've changed," smiled Maura as she shifted closer to the other woman on the couch, resting her knee against the taller woman's thigh. She placed one hand in the detectives lap and used the other to tuck a stray tendril of hair that had fallen in front of Jane's face._

_Slightly confused, she asked: "What do you mean?"_

_"You know, Jane, it is not totally uncommon for one to be influenced by another person after spending so much time together. Especially if they are of the same gender." Still looking a tad mystified, Maura continued: "All I'm saying is you've picked up some things that I never thought I'd see you do."_

_"Like what?" smiled Jane. _

_"For instance, you have developed a schedule for when Bass eats, you assure Jo Friday is harassing him, and you make sure he is okay before you go to sleep."_

_"What can I say, I like the stupid turtle."_

_"Tortoise," the medical examiner admonished as she continued rambling to Jane. "And you don't throw your clothes all over the place anymore. Sure they're not folded and put away, but they are in the same general vicinity in the bedroom."_

_"So what, Maur?" laughed Jane, "I guess I never notice it."_

_"I've changed too," stated the blonde. Jane's facial features softened at the remark and leaned forward placing her lips softly on Maura's._

_"I know you have. You aren't always so fussy about your dresses wrinkling and sometimes you don't even make the bed!" Jane gasped sarcastically. Maura swatted at her arm and laughed. "I love all of those little things about you, Maur and I love that you're willing to sit down and watch a Sox game with me even though you have no idea what's going on."_

_Maura feigned hurt, "I understand the logistics of competitive sports entirely!"_

_Jane smiled and kissed her again, but this time pulling her into an embrace. The blonde rested her head in the crook of the detective's neck and sighed contentedly. _

_['Cause you brought out the best of me- a part of me I'd never seen. You took my soul, wiped it clean. Our love was made for movie screens.]_

Jane sat at her desk in the squad room and she reached out her phone for the millionth time in the passing weeks to see if Maura had called. She didn't know why the tinge of disappointment never seized each time she checked the unchanging phone; though she knew the blonde wasn't going to call, it never stopped her from looking again. The background was a photo of Maura from last summer when Jane had convinced her to go fishing. There she was proudly holding up a little fish she had caught and then returned to the water. To properly prepare for the trip, Maura made a few purchases, one of which being pink fishing boots. She even got herself a matching life jacket in the event the boat would "unexpectedly capsize" and Maura needed to stay afloat. The raven haired woman had wondered how she managed to find a pair in THAT color, but it didn't necessarily surprise her. Maura had her ways with online shopping.

Jane gave what could barely be considered a smile; as small as it was, it was traced with longing. She finally snapped out of her reverie when Frost had made a remark about her hair resembling Medusa's. He knew his friend was hurting, but he wanted to lighten her up.

"Lay off, Frost," mumbled the detective losing the smile that graced her lips. Returning her phone to her pocket she grabbed her jacket and left.

Jane placed the key in the car's ignition and started driving—where, she wasn't sure, but she figured she'd know once she got there. The day came to a close and the sun went dark, just as the light went out in the detective's eyes when Maura left.

_"Jane, why can't you accept who you are?"_

_"I can, Maura. I accept who I am just fine," she bit back. "I don't need to tell the world that I love you for it to be true._

_"How can you be so dishonest to your family?"_

_"You just don't understand." Maura's chest ached at that statement; of course she didn't understand. She hadn't had a real family to come out to. Her parents never cared when she had brought anyone home—man or woman. They were always busy with their own lives to deal with such trivialities as to whom their daughter was dating. Even when the relationship was serious, Maura never had anyone to confide in and she didn't have anyone to stick their nose there it didn't belong. Jane certainly couldn't say the same. Her home life was the exact opposite, which was something the medical examiner envied._

_"I may not understand, Jane," the blonde choked out, "but I do know what it's like to be scared. You can't keep pushing me away because you're afraid of what your family will say." Maura grabbed for Jane's wrists, but the other woman made a defensive swipe at the approaching hands._

_"No, Maura. It's not that easy."_

"She wasn't the one being completely honest either," sobbed Jane, slamming on the brakes and resting her head on the steering wheel of her car.

_[But if you loved me, why did you leave me?]_

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: This is meant to be read with the knowledge of the song "All I Want" by Kodaline. Listen to the song a couple of times, read the lyrics. It goes with the story. ( watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM) This will be a multi-chapter fic. I'm not too sure how many yet. Angst. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and italicized parts are flashbacks with the exception of the italicized words in [brackets]. Those are song lyrics to "All I Want."

**More notes**: I am SO sorry this has taken me forever to update. I went through a really tough case of writer's block, but hopefully it won't be so bad now. This entire chapter is solely flashback; it takes you back to the beginning. The next chapter will continue in present time. I thank those who are still reading.

_As Jane walked into the morgue, she was greeted with the sound of laughter- one she thought she would never tire of, but confusion struck her when she realized who was fueling the laughter. Cautiously walking towards the medical examiner's office, she peered through the doorway, still not catching Maura's eye. She sat legs crossed at her desk, her demeanor quite different than her normal work stature; the blonde leaned closer to the man who was sitting too closely for Jane's comfort. Maura took Ian's hand into her own and ran her fingers back and forth over the skin._

_"It's so nice to have you back, Ian." Maura smiled and squeezed the man's hand and he reached forward and tucked a stray tendril behind her ear._

_"I had to come back for you, Maura. It's you. It always has been." Ian leaned forward and kissed her tentatively on the lips. Maura cupped his face in her hands and slowly sat back into her chair, not distancing herself too much. Jane dropped the two cups of coffee in the doorway and mumbled some obsceneties and she attempted to clean them up. Maura jumped back and extricated herself from Ian and ran over to Jane._

_"Oh, god, Jane!" she bent down to help clean up the mess that would surely stain the floor, but the second she reached for her, Jane snapped. Her eyes were shades darker than Maura had ever seen them._

_"Don't you come near me," she whispered righting herself and "don't you dare even try." Maura stood to standing on shaky legs and reached out for Jane._

_"Please, Jane, just listen to me."_

_The detective turned on her heel and practically ran back up to the bullpen; she couldn't take being around Maura at that moment. She reached her desk and she noticed tears running down her face; her chest restricted and she gasped trying to fill her lungs with the oxygen she so desperately needed._

_[all I want is, and all I need is to find somebody.]_

_Maura fidgeted in her seat, quite aware of the fact that Jane's stare could figuratively bore holes in her head. She didn't want to look up, but she did anyway knowing that Jane could sit there for hours. Her own eyes reached the detective's deep brown ones that were tinged with incredible sadness. Maura's heart cracked just witnessing how hurt Jane was, and it was all because of her. This look pervaded Jane's face ever since Ian came back._

_"Jane," she sobbed. "Please let me explain."_

_The brunette paced around the kitchen, staring at the floor. She attempted to formulate some sort of response, but every single time she went to speak, the words disappeared._

_Maura started speaking, her voice just above a whisper, "Jane, I love you-" She was interrupted by Jane's hand coming down and slapping the counter. The detective's resolve broke and words flew out of her mouth before she could think about it._

_"No, Maura, you don't! You don't love me; you couldn't. Because you don't cheat on someone that you love! You don't." Tears spilled down her cheeks and she doubled over, hanging her head and resting her arms on the counter._

_With equal fury, Maura spat back: "And you don't just deny the person you love in front of everyone!" The lines on Maura's face were more apparent now; the dark circles under her eyes and the creases around them. They may have always been there, but Jane didn't notice them until now. Maura looked tired and she looked defeated. She didn't look that way when she was with Ian._

_"Don't you dare turn this around on me, Maura."_

_"Aren't you tired, Jane?" Before the brunette could respond, she continued: "Aren't you tired of hiding who you are? Tired of hiding me?" She ran her fingers through her hair and looked up at the ceiling as if the words she were trying to find would be hiding in the lights. "Why can't you just love me, Jane?!" Maura felt her voice rising and she swallowed thickly in the attempts to quell her anger._

_"Because you're busy finding it with someone else!"_

_"He loves me, Jane and I could grow to love him in return. He isn't afraid to love me. Why shouldn't I stick around for someone who can't?" Maura shook her head and wiped at the tears falling from her eyes. "Someone who won't."_

_Her voice dangerously low, "Maura..."_

_"I can't do this anymore!"_

_"Goddamnit, Maura, you can't just—"_

_Exasperated, the medical examiner slammed her fists into the granite countertops. "Don't you dare goddamnit me, Jane!" Jane shot the other woman a look; it was a mix of trepidation and fury. Maura blinked back angry tears and released her fists, arms shaking._

_"What are you trying to say?" Jane growled trying to comprehend all of this._

_"I cannot keep pretending like this is okay," the blonde uttered, barely above a whisper. "Pretending like this is okay isn't fair. It's not honest. This is better for us. Trust me."_

_"I thought I did," remarked the detective, losing the edge in her voice and looking down to avoid Maura's stare._

_"Jane…" The taller woman glanced up at the blonde's pleading voice. "I'm sorry."_

_Maura then picked up the bags that were settled by the door and took one glance back. "I'm sorry, Jane." With that, the door clicked shut behind her and all Jane could do is stare, hoping she'd return._

_[When you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side.]_


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**: This is meant to be read with the knowledge of the song "All I Want" by Kodaline. Listen to the song a couple of times, read the lyrics. It goes with the story. ( watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM) This will be a multi-chapter fic. I'm not too sure how many yet. Angst. Don't say I didn't warn you.

**More Notes**: I've received a lot of comments on how Maura is solely the bad guy. Yes, infidelity is bad, but hopefully by the end of the story you will realize that what Jane was doing wasn't fair to her. There is blame to share. Also, I've received many private messages bad mouthing me for writing this plot. They say they like the way it's written, but they're angry about the plot. Sorry, but if you don't like it, don't read it. Don't send me nasty messages please.

Oh, and italicized parts are flashbacks with the exception of the italicized words in [brackets]. Those are song lyrics to "All I Want."

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Rizzoli and Isles. This makes me terribly sad.

Jane didn't know how she got home, but she flipped on the kitchen lights and made her way inside, stopping momentarily to pet Jo Friday who was bouncing around her feet. Her apartment seemed eerie. Quiet. It had been quiet since Maura left; it has been five weeks and Jane is tired of holding it together. One month since she's seen Maura's smile or heard her voice. She reached in the cabinet for a glass and a bottle of whiskey. She didn't care that she had a 7:30 call time tomorrow morning; all she wanted to do was forget a little.

—-

By her third glass, Jane's hurt hadn't subsided completely. It settled in the pit of her stomach and threatened to lodge itself in her chest. Walking into the bedroom with the bottle of alcohol in one hand (and the glass somewhere long forgotten), she trailed her fingers over the edge of the bed, lightly fingering the duvet and over the pillows. Jane closed her eyes and sat on her side.

"Maura," she whispered, still keeping her eyes shut. If she concentrated hard enough, she could still feel her there. She could still hear her breathing. Jane had avoided the bed for a month. Five weeks. It was time to try and rest her head where she had laid with Maura. Placing the bottle on the floor next to her, Jane curled up in the bed and wrapped her arm around Maura's pillow. She inhaled deeply and let out a sob; she squeezed the pillow tighter and cried. The pillow smelled uniquely of Maura and Jane wanted nothing more than to feel her in her arms once more.

[I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side.]

—-

The next morning, Jane trudged into the Boston Police Department with a dull ache in the base of her skull; she kept telling herself that drinking when she had an early call was not the best idea, but she never listened. Walking into the cafe, she stopped short and wrapped her arms around herself, attempting to keep upright.

Talking to Angela was Maura Isles. Her blonde curls were restrained in a tie and it fell loosely over one shoulder. Her clothes were darker, less flashy, but still very sophisticated. The expression on her face, from what Jane could gather, was melancholic. Her eyes expressed sorrow and there wasn't the light that usually flickered. She didn't smile, but gave a sideways grin as Angela attempted to make a joke.

Once Jane caught her breath, she ran in the opposite direction up to the bullpen, not waiting for the stairs. Her throat burned and she blinked back tears as she walked to her desk. The jovial commotion in the room died down almost immediately as she entered the room. Frost moved from his position near Korsak's desk and eyed his current partner. Crouching beside her chair, he attempted to look her in the eyes.

"Jane," he hesitated. "Doctor Isles is back and—"

"I know, Frost. I saw her." She interrupted, wiping at her eyes and clearing her throat. "I saw her downstairs. She didn't see me though."

"She's coming back to work tomorrow."

Jane looked at the man beside her and shook her head. "She was gone for an entire month. Five weeks. And now she thinks she can just come back here? How the hell did she manage that one?" Frost merely shrugged and went back to his desk.

The rest of the day dragged on and all Jane did was replay the second she saw Maura again. She wished she could have run up to her, but what would she have said? Jane had feelings that vacillated from wanting to hug her and kiss her and tell her how much she loved her, to yelling at her and crying. When Jane got home, she walked over to the answering machine that was now blinking its red light.

"Hello, Jane." The familiar voice played through the speaker. She sounded all too soft as if she were afraid. "It's- it's Maura. I would like to inform you that I will be returning to work tomorrow, Wednesday the eighth. I think it would be in our best interests if we sit down and talk in a private setting before we have to work together again." There was a pause and a noise- was it a sniffle? Was she crying? "Please, Jane. Call me back." The line went dead and Jane sank to her knees. It was the first time in so long she had heard the blonde's voice- the first time in so long that she heard her name tumble from her lips. Jane picked up her phone and dialed Maura's number without stopping to think about if the numbers were correct.

"Maura? Do you want to come over to talk?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**: This is meant to be read with the knowledge of the song "All I Want" by Kodaline. Listen to the song a couple of times, read the lyrics. It goes with the story. ( watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM) This will be a multi-chapter fic. I'm not too sure how many yet. Angst. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and italicized parts are flashbacks with the exception of the italicized words in [brackets]. Those are song lyrics to "All I Want."

**More notes**: This chapter just wouldn't come out. It was difficult for me to write. I think this is the last chapter. There may be an epilogue, but that's only if you all request it. Snaps for those who get the 'Next to Normal' reference in the chapter.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Rizzoli and Isles. This makes me terribly sad.

Jane opened the door and greeted the woman on the other side. Maura looked small, though her sky-high heels should make up the height difference, Jane noticed how thin she had gotten. Jane nervously ran her fingers through her hair and moved aside so the blonde could enter.

"Hey, Maur," accidentally letting the nickname slip out. "C'mon in. Do you want a drink?"

"A water will be fine, thank you, Jane." Jane retrieved a water for Maura and a beer for herself and sat on the couch keeping her distance. Tension hung between the two of them like a swinging pendulum and neither wanted to break the silence. Jane took a swig of her drink, swallowed hard, and closed her eyes."

"Where did you go?"

Blinking three times before answering, Maura responded: "I went to Paris to visit my mother." Her voice was soft, yet surprisingly steady. "I couldn't stay in Boston. It hurt too much."

"Did Ian go with you?"

Maura shook her head; "No, Jane. Of course not."

The brunette gritted her teeth and opened her eyes before answering. "Of course not? Really? I would expect him to follow you now that he's back." Maura replied, but it wasn't entirely audible. "What, Maura?"

"I told him I didn't want to see him any longer. I told him that while he was gone, I had found someone else. Remaining friends with him was a viable option, but he wouldn't have it."

"Why'd you come back?"

"Because I love you, Jane. I fell in love with you, but who wouldn't?" Maura looked down at her dress and smoothed out imaginary wrinkles.

"Why'd you let him kiss you?"

A sigh escaped Maura's lips: "I shouldn't have let him. But I thought... I thought that if he kissed me and I had felt something for him still, then I needed to reevaluate what I was doing. I knew I loved you, Jane, but I questioned if you loved me just the same. I knew he loved me and would do anything for me, so if I felt something... anything, then maybe I could learn to love him as much as I love you."

"And...?" Jane picked at the scar on the back of her hand, a nervous habit that Maura always demanded she'd stop doing.

"And I realized that I felt nothing for him. When I looked into his eyes after, I tried to find a hint of something- a fragment of emotion that remotely resembled what I feel for you. But I couldn't find anything. I felt sorry for him because he would never experience what I feel in my heart; well, he wouldn't experience it with me anyways."

Jane took another drink of her beer and contemplated what to say next. After a minute in silence, she finally looked Maura in the eyes.

"Jane, the last night I was here, I said that I could learn to love him, but after that and after spending time in Paris, I know that I couldn't. I spent every waking moment thinking about you and wishing I could show you the things I know. Or if I saw something, it would remind me of you. Everything was you, Jane. But at the same time, it wasn't. You were gone. I'm sorry for letting him kiss me. But I'm not sorry for what it validated within me. I'm sorry I left. But I'm not sorry for where I ended up." The blonde raised her hands, signaling the apartment where she had spent so many nights before.

"I should have listened."

"And I shouldn't have given up so quickly. I can't ask you to change who you are, Jane. It was unfair of me to do so."

The brunette scooted closer to Maura, still not touching her though. "I shouldn't have denied you in front of everyone. You're right, Maura. I'm tired of hiding." Tears pricked her eyes and she coughed, trying hard for her voice not to break.

"You know your mother will love you unconditionally. Frankie and Tommy, too." Unsure of herself and her place, she grabbed Jane's hand and took it in her own. She gave a slight reassuring squeeze.

"I know. It doesn't make me any less scared though."

"If you want, I can be beside you to help." A beat passed and Maura sighed, "In any capacity you wish to have me." Jane ran her hands over Maura's wrist and up and down her arm. "I don't want to go anywhere, Jane. But that's only if you want me to stay."

"I'd like that." Tears fell from her eyes as she cupped the back of the blonde's neck pulling her closer. Embracing her and feeling her body against her own made Jane cry even more. Maura succumbed and let her own emotions go and held on to Jane tightly. For the first time in such a long time, Maura looked into those dark brown eyes and found the old Jane that she knew. Maura took the brunette's face in her hands and kissed her softly.

"Thank you, Jane Rizzoli."

"Maybe we can be okay. Or maybe we can't be okay, but maybe we're tough and we'll try anyway." She smiled and kissed Maura again, never wanting to lose that feeling.

* * *

**A/N**: My main objective for this piece was to get them back together eventually, however they're not completely fixed. You can't just piece things back together that quickly. The last moment suggests that there will be more building and repairing for them, but I don't think it fits within this story. Perhaps a sequel? Would you all read? Let me know.


End file.
